“I am going to sing with my bottom”. Not our words, the words of Mr. Methane who, you won’t be surprised to hear, didn’t get through. Imagine the Queen settling down for a night of entertainment and fun at the Royal Variety and we stick him in front of her. Off with all our heads. The sight of Mr. Methane, after turning up in his green cape with purple underpants like a superhero and farting away on stage, was unreal.
It was something we have never seen before, but Ant’s tried it since and it’s all gone horribly wrong! The worst bit was when he used the microphone to amplify his farts and then used the same microphone to thank the audience after his performance. Can we just say for all that have been asking, about the smell onstage, Mr. Methane was odourless so it was bearable. It was odourless, but very audible! I have never seen Simon so disgusted and he called him a ‘disgusting creature’. Like the Queen, we don’t think Simon farts…or carries cash! Emma Amelia Pearl declared “people have cried when they hear me sing” and said she just needed a break. After listening to her we understood why they cried and decided it was us that needed the break, from her awful singing. We loved that she had three goes at it though after telling off Piers, the audience and Simon. She tried to blame her bad performance on the backing track being too loud and the microphone being wrong, basically anything apart from herself. We thought she had the slight look of Madge Bishop about her, except with bigger bosoms - not that we have seen Madge Bishop’s bosoms, but if you’re reading this Madge…! Lewis Taylor was a’ ventriloquist with a twist’, the twist being that he didn’t actually do any ventriloquism. Tommy the Toucan had a tape recorder inside him so technically that’s not ventriloquism, that’s more talking to a tape.
We’ve already seen that looks can be deceiving on this series of Britain’s Got Talent with Susan Boyle and Jamie Pugh taking us all by surprise and once again we had a deceptively good singer this week. We all thought that Greg the waiter was going to come on as a rock star in his leather jacket and spiky hair but he shocked us with his rendition of Nessum Dorma. Turned out he wasn’t a rock singer after all, but a male soprano opera singer. A thoroughly nice fellow with the highest male voice we’ve ever heard and we’ve met Joe Pasquale AND Ashley from Coronation Street. Simon hit the nail on the head when he said he was like “a dog meowing” because it just wasn’t right but was fascinating all the same. That is our favourite quote from Simon this week, that and “I like robots!”
We’ve actually found out quite a lot about what Simon likes this series. He gives away the odd little titbit about himself during the auditions; a peek into who he really is and what he is all about. We started keeping a little list. It read like this.
Things Simon Likes:-
Robots
Cars
Dogs
Cartoons
After looking at it we came to the conclusion that he’s basically a 12 year-old boy. Next he’ll be telling us his favourite pastimes include looking at the bra section of his Mum’s Freemans catalogue behind the sofa!
Simon also revealed on last weeks Britain’s Got More Talent that he used to love going to the Roller disco when he was younger. Roller Boogie Palace in Battersea to be specific. This is a real gem of information and could prove vital to us when it comes to general Mickey-taking at the live shows. So, if anyone reading this went to Roller Boogie Palace in Battersea about 30 years ago and remembers Simon then please feel free to get in touch with us. Photos of him in Roller-skates would be very, very much appreciated!
A magician went through tonight! Hooray! That is no mean feat, because the judges hate magic (notice it’s not on Simon’s list) He was the cutest and youngest magician we have ever had, 5 year-old Magic Thomas, and he was brilliant. When they asked him if he’d like to meet the Queen and he said “not really” was priceless. At least he’s honest. His act was like Dec, short and simple, but it was executed to perfection. Well done to Magic Thomas.
Simon has been going on for weeks that he wants some danger and that there hasn’t been enough jeopardy in the show but we had some this week in the form of Merlin, an escapologist who claimed he could possibly die during his act. He wouldn’t have been the first act to die up on the BGT stage this year let us assure you. He says he is a modern day Houdini who escaped from chains and juggled fire whilst underwater. He assured us that if he makes it to the semi finals his act will be even more dangerous. It was very tense in the theatre during his audition, everyone was on edge, even Simon who had been asking for danger. It could have all gone horribly wrong but thankfully he made it unscathed.
We’ve only just calmed down after seeing all the stripping this week. A lot of flesh was on show, red hot stuff! We had loads of burlesque auditions this year, which is basically just a fancy name for stripping, though not as many as we’d like! The stripping/burlesque sequence ended with a performance from the Dream Bears, three hairy men doing the ‘Can-Can’. And why not!? We thought the whole stripping montage was a bit too short; we will try and persuade the powers that be to extend that and make it a bit longer for next week. There was something in there for the girls too, with a bit of naked male torso action. Dec even got a hug from one stripper. A male one mind you! Beggars can’t be choosers though eh? We have to cuddle everybody and take what we are given!
Sean Smith, the rugby player with a good voice rounded off this week, he reminded Simon of a better looking Mick Hucknall with personality. We think it was supposed to be a compliment although it doesn’t feature on his list of things he likes! Just two more weeks until the live shows people, not long now! We’re getting far too excited already! Catch you next week X
For more on Britain’s Got Talent check out Piers Morgan’s official blog here
© 2009 Ant and Dec
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y me considero fan del programa…
Mr. Methane should come with a warning “DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME”. 
Poor Declan, don’t they feed you enough? Or are you just sick of those crappy sandwiches they give you?
